I think it really hit me the other morning, when I picked up my Bible, journal, and cup of coffee...and realized I had no place to go to have my devotions. No cozy comfy recliner in my loft office. No sofa. Not even the porch swing or patio furniture outside. All we have in our house right now are 2 lawn chairs in the living room, a small table in the kitchen, and a bed. Not even our own bed, but I am thankful to not be sleeping on the floor!
We had not intended to be living in an empty house for 2 weeks. But the sale of our house closes 5 days before the apartment we are moving to is available. Consequently, we have to move everything into storage, which means we are moving twice. And most significantly, we also had to move out of our house when we had some men available to help us. That happened to be last Thursday.
I am a homebody. I love my own bed, my familiar things around me, my comfortable routine. I don't even like camping. So this change in my surroundings and living in an empty house for this long is really hard for me. But during my time in the Word this morning, I read Psalm 119:114 - "You are my hiding place, and my shield: I hope in Your Word." It reminded me that no matter where I am, or what place I reside in, that my time with the Lord is is the important place. He is always the same and He never fails me!
Before I go any farther with writing this post, I want to emphasize that I am not writing this so that you will feel sorry for me. If that is what you take away from it, then I will have done a poor job of communicating and you will have missed my point. This is also a very honest post, about what I have struggled with recently. It is not easy to be transparent, but I do that hoping that it will help someone else. I want you to know, dear reader, that God has been so real to me and has shown me so many things during this difficult time. The unexpected loss of a job, no income, trying to decide where to go and what to do, selling our house, moving away, having no church home, having to go back to work, and adjusting to starting anew is a lot to deal with, especially in the space of two months.
If I think about and dwell upon all these losses and changes, I begin to question God's love for me. That is compounded by looking around and comparing my life to the lives of others. Friends who are going on fabulous vacations, others having easy fun-filled summers, and even pastors who have been given sabbaticals by their churches made me feel discontent and envious. All I have done was serve the Lord to the very best of my ability and live a life that honors Him. Why is all this happening to me? Why is God giving all these gifts to other people, and not to us? Where is His love for me?
And then - I am so thankful for this - God showed me the problem in my thinking. Actually, more than one problem - the first is failing to remember that I deserve nothing. Everything I have is because of God's grace! But the other problem is the one I want to focus on, and that is this: I was equating God's love for me with the gifts He gives. Because He didn't give me the gifts I thought He should, and He was giving others bigger and better things, He must not love me as much.
What really made this clear to me was....Christmas. Yes, Christmas. I started thinking about it being almost September, and we all know that once September hits, Christmas comes upon us faster than a speeding train. And I began to realize that we have TEN grandchildren (the tenth to be born in December), not to mention 3 children and their spouses, and that Christmas is going to be very different this year. We certainly will not be able to give our grandchildren as many or the kind of presents that we would like to give them. Does that mean that we love them any less? NO!! If we give them a very small gift, or even no gift at all, it has nothing to do with how much we love them. It does not mean that our love for them is diminished. We cherish our grandchildren, and our love for them is in no way related to the size or extravagance of the gifts we give to them.
In the same way, God does not have to prove His love for us in the gifts he chooses to give us, or the ways he chooses to bless us. He proved His love for us at Calvary. The chorus of one of my favorite songs says it well:
"If You never speak another word of blessing,
And Your silence leaves me with a sense of loss,
I'll remember when my heart begins to question,
Any doubt that You love me
Was settled at the cross."
(Settled at the Cross " by Lee Black, Phil Mehrens, Lyn Powell from "Be Our God" (Wilds).
When I begin to doubt that God loves me, I need to read and meditate on all the verses and proof in His Word telling me just how much He does! Just a few:
Jeremiah 31:3 - "I have loved thee with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn thee." Ephesians 2:4 - "But God who is rich in mercy, for His great love wherein He loved us." 1 John 3:1 - "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God." 1 John 4:9 - "In this was manifested the love of God toward us, that God sent His only begotten Son into the world that we might live through Him."
There is another side to this: Because He does love us, God delights in giving special gifts to His children to encourage them. He has done that for us time and time again these past two months. In my next post, I will be sharing that side of God's love. In the meantime, remember that God loves you.
Blessings,
Kathi
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